So The Lightbulb Has To Want To Change Right?

So the saying goes. It doesnt matter how many people want the lightbulb to change, the bulb itself must be the one to want to change. Else, its never going to change is it?

Which is kind of a metaphoric way of me saying.....so get off my ass peoples....I'll bloody change when I want to, and not one second before.

See, I have to want to change. I have to want to line myself up for the pain of 'love'. If I dont want to, no amount of anything is going to make me do it. NO amount of ever so hot friends of 18 years ago, no amount of friends from afar who will have my preciousprincessjunior should I cark it, and no amount of advice from anyone, even you Jayne, is going to make it happen til the second comes when Im prepared to have my heart broken again. Yes, I realise it may not ever get broken again. I know this. But, so far, I havent been prepared to take that chance. And if anyone wants to complain they can. Its not going to change anything. I know it. YOu know it. Its just one of those things.

See, Im that scared of having my poor wee lil heart ripped into shreds and spat on, that Im quite prepared to not put myself in a position where that can happen. Which means, I go without. And Im fine with that. I am. I often 'wish' that things were different for me. But wishing, as you know, gets you nowhere. Wishing, is for daydreams. Wishing is for those people who dont realllly want what it is they are wishing for. Cos if they did, they would stop wishing and go get it. Me? Im happy with wishing. Wishing is fine. YOu know why wishing is fine? Cos wishing, doesnt involve the risk of having some bastard rip your heart out and toss it aside. And frankly I like my heart. Ok, so its having itself a lil health issue at present, but apart from that, its ok. And I can work with ok. I can not work with ripped into tiny peices and shoved under a doormat. I cant. I wont.

So that means IM having a little crisis at present. Cos, well, theres this guy I like see. And he likes me. OH dear god no, says my always on guard heart. If we like him, says my heart, and he likes us, says my heart, then I could be in for a tuff time, cos I know you, says my heart. You wanna love, which means Im gonna have to work, but I know me, says my heart, and when I work that puts stress on me, because I dont wanna do a job where it might not work out for me, says my heart. I dont wanna end up all torn into shreds and cast aside like last weeks fish n chips paper, says my heart. So I'll just start the job, and if it looks a little bit like Im going to have to put in some kind of effort, says my heart, I'll send a message to our mate the brain, who will kick into gear and totally take over by finding some completely irrational, yet plausible excuse and that guy??? he'll be out the door faster than I can say, stuff that I aint breakin for no one....says my heart.

You got to listen to your heart dont you? YOu got to. If you dont, the damn thing might stop working. And then you are dead. Ok, go on Jayne, I know youve got this one covered. But, if you never let it work Princess, you might as well be dead??? You were gonna say that werent you Jayne? I dont even know why Im friends with you.

Let me just explain something to you people. Its not the heart that actually runs the body. Its the brain. And if your brain is convinced soemthing is bad, then thats it, the something, really is bad. You know why I took up boxing? Cos everything in boxing is backwards. And that makes sense to me. You want to move left? you dont step left, you stop moving to the right. You want to throw a punch? YOu dont aim and throw, you stop not throwing. Thats the thing with boxing. Anytime you want to do something, you dont do it, you stop doing something else. You know why? Cos your brain takes over. If you stop tryin to believe you are in charge, your brain gets a chance to be in charge. And the minute you stop, it takes over. It knows what you want to do before you do. It knows what you need to do, but it just needs you to stop doing the things you dont need to do in order for it to have a chance to do the things it needs you to do. In boxing, when someone is hitting you, your natural reaction is to move away from the pain, but thats gonna get your ass nailed. Thats not gonna work out well at all. You'll be on the ropes, or boxed into a corner and the other guy is gonna be landing a lot of blows, cos all youve got is cover up defence. If you arent attacking, all youve got is defence. Defence isnt enough to win. You got to attack. Thats why when someone smacks you one, you dont move away from the pain. You suck it up and you step into it. It hurts less when you step into it. YOu know why? Cos your brain took over. Thats what brains do. They take over as soon as you let it know you dont have any idea what you are doing. You know how hard it is to let your brain know you dont know what you are doing?? Its an unnatural war with yourself. YOu think you are the boss, but you have to stop thinking that. YOu have to train yourself not to think that. Cos you aint the boss at all.

You know why Im not ever gonna be a fighter in a ring? Cos I still think IM the boss. You know why IM not about to be a fighter far as love goes? Cos I still think IM the boss. Im positive that if Im in charge, I wont get hurt.

Ive got a long way to go........

Thought for this day.....Everything in PreciousPrincess is backwards.