So Im Having A Brazillian Right

I am. On easter saturday hopefully, if Jayne can get us a booking. Otherwise it will be the Wednesday before. But that isnt the point. The point is, Ive never had a brazillian before. Ive said it a million times. I dont go to Brazil because I cant speak the language. But, we will not be having a repeat of the tragic burning of Tasmania. So it seems Im off to Brazil afterall.

I says to Jayne, so Jayne, this waxing, Im not gonna end up all, you know, pimply and prickly and icky looking am I? Dunno, she says, are you prone to that sort of thing? Hello? Jayne? Cant you read? I burnt Tasmania to the ground. I think its fair to say that Tasmania is pretty darn sensitive. So now Im torn. Because there is a good likelihood that Tasmania is going to be logged, dear god I'll give up wine forever and not just lent if this actually happens, in the near future and the forest for the treees is gonna be a problem. Tasmania is in need of a gardener. But heres the thing.......

Gardeners havent ventured back to Tasmania since their last visit. And now Im on a timetable. I cant do too much gardening, because I need enough undergrowth for my trip to Brazil, but I dont wanna have some kind of undiscovered forestry happening down there. A girl might not have our boyfriend on hand to see the sights, but thats doesnt mean she doesnt wanna look good anyway. So Im stuck. Not to panic. I gave it a wee hedge trimmin and consider thats all its getting til Jayne takes me to Brazil. Not Jayne herself, but Jayne is damn well coming with me. If Im learning a new language, she can damn well come and hold my hand.

Note...ants wont kill you will they? cos i just discovered one drowned in the bottom of my water bottle.

Where was I? Oh yes, so we have come to the conclusion that Tasmania might be the sort of state that is prone to panic under stress....well duh! and may have itself a lil stress attack when it visits Brazil. So Ive been down to priceline to pick up a few things for just in case.

My Brazil survival pack includes:

loofah, this is sposed to exfoliate dead skin cells and make my skin all shiny. Realistically, im thinkin if i brush with it hard enough all my skin will tuffen itself up and wont stress out too much when I take it to Brazil
Ingrown Hair Cream, the tube says its to prevent such an occurence. We'll see.
Minty Breath Spray, absolutely nothing to do with Brazil, but I figure why not grab some while Im there hey?
Honey and Milk Bodywash, to make me all soft and beautiful and supple of skin, and besides, milk and honey tastes good right? And you want your Brazil dish to taste good.
Zero Frizz Straightening Balm. Ok, i know your askin questions about that one, but the thing is, hair straightener works quite the opposite on curly hair. See, if you whack that stuff in then dont touch your hair, your curls come out beautifully and everyone is jealous of you.
Orange STicks, to stick in my wax to apply to my eyebrows to make my face as gorgeous as Brazil....shut up Jayne
Genteal eye drops, cos I wear contacts and they lose moisture during the night and dammit if I plan on wakin up next to some hot guy any time in the near future, i wanna be able to see him.
Natio *for men??* Soap on a rope. Ok this one is really just a treat for me. I'll just write out what it says on the box and you can see for yourself: Creamy cleansing bar and masager in one. Good Clean Fun.........yeah thats what I thought too.
Vanilla Extract Conditioner, for my gorgeous hair of course. Like I said, if the rest of me is going to be all smooth and beautiful like, then all of me can be as well.
Luxury Collection Chocolates, ok so I was hungry
Ky Jelly, I dont think that needs any real explaining, but, just to be sure, you know it comes in a discreet lil purse pack these days? Just perfect for the handbag, glovebox, gymbag,, hey thats what it says on the box, not my idea.

So Im standing in Priceline texting Jayne furiously to find out other stuff I might need, when it occurs to me, that I have no condoms. NONE. Not that Ive needed any far out, but the fact of the matter is, im in the shop I can buy damn near anything, and Ive not got any so I best stock up. One box ought to be enough right? To last me a lifetime? Shut up Jayne. So I sidles up the condom aisle and this is where I get stuck. See, Im allergic to most condoms. Funny hey? NO. Theres only been one brand that hasnt affected me, and its been so damn long since I bought them, I cant freakin remember which one it is. Bloody hell. NOt to worry, IM an adult, I'll ask for help. Scuse me lady, IM having trouble pickin a condom! Well doesnt she get all embarrassed, I dont care. The thing is, I need these condoms, because should the gods ever smile on me and I actually get laid anytime at all, if I dotn have these particular condoms then it wont matter if Tasmania has learnt the language of Brazil, because Tasmania will be so puffed up that they will have to actually put the no entry sign on the gates and send any comers home. Shut up Jayne. Its happened before you know. Wrong condom, some steamy sex and two hours later when we are up for the rematch, a big ol no go, which lasts about three days. And I'll be stuffed if thats ever gonna happen to me again.

But the girly helpin me, she cant remember what the brand is I need either. I says, cmon you know the ones, they cost twice as much as the normal ones. She goes, honestly, ive only started workin here, I can go ask someone else if you like? Yes, do that I says. Instead of going to ask someone else, she just calls it out over the bloody aisles. Buy now IM over being adult about the situation, Im bright red and wishin the floor would just open up and take me. It doesnt. Im stuck with being stared at by all manner of people. Bugger. I considered calling someone to ask em what condom I used to have to get, but then I figured, hell that just looks a lot like im about to get laid, and I'll be fucked, *dear god please* if Im gonna go spreadin that news around to some ex.

Thought for this second....ive come home empty handed. And thats ok, really it is, because Im more than happy not sleeping with our boyfriend and not sleeping with our boyfriend, means no need of condoms.