So The Thing Is Right

I smoke too much. I do. I drink far too much. Though not enough for the next 38 days ....sigh. I do everything I do, too much. Its true. Its because of my nature. See, when Im happy, im all the way happy. Im dancin through the kitchen, singing in the shower, bouncin in my step. Im not just havin a little smile, Im having one of those great big belly laughs. When Im sad, I curl up in the foetal position and rock from side to side. I cry, great tears of pain. I actually howl. I dont just go, OH, gee thats a bit sad. When I exercise....shut up Jayne I do so exercise.....I do it so much that the particular muscles im workin at the time actually scream out, and I ignore them, and just keep doing it. Regardless of the damage. And then, when the next time comes to do it, i just ignore the screaming pain from the start and jump right into it. You should see the state of my knuckles at the moment. NOt looking at all pretty after the first visit back to the speedball. But I kept it up, and now they have thse very unsighly, definately unpretty scabby things going on. But I dont care. Its just the way I am.

See, the too much thing, it goes everywhere. I dont ever be just a lil bit excited, Im full on about to explode any freaking second excited. When Im flat, im down. Thats it. Theres no bounce in me, Im just down. And when Im scared, those stupid teenagers in all the slasher flicks, dont have a ticket on me being scared.

Three people today told me Im scared. Two other people, and one me people. Yeah ok. So Im a big ol scaredy cat. Yay for me. OK. Im scared. Alright already I am. Im scared that if I ever take that leap into love again, and real actual love people, not that pious prius buddshit bastard have his babies sort of love......real love, that it will all go to shit and I will end up a blubbering mess in the foetal position sleeping in my own vomit completely unable to ever, ever, ever bounce my ass back from it all. See, Im scared not of the love part, who would be scared of Love? Love is a wonderful thing, and I hope to be lucky enough to have it in my life, preferably anytime after the 12th of April. Im busy til then. Im not scared of the having it all go to crap part, hey it happens, people fall in and out of love all the time. People change, they grow differently. Some of them even give up wine for forty whole days. How bout that for change? No, the all going to crap part, while definately a pain in the ass, is not what scares me.

Its the whole bouncing back part that scares the hell out of me. And Im not talkin just makes me a little bit scared. Im talkin all the way holy hell its freddy krueger, Jason with the freakin chainsaw, a ring and a well, some guy wanting me to play a game in saw, dont go down the stairs, dont go down the stairs, do you know where the children are, the hand that rocks the cradle and the end of the world all rolled into one sort of scared. Told you. When I do soemthing, I do it too much.

Theres this guy I like right....I mean, I like him. A lot. So you know what I did? I went and phoned some other guy, who I dont really like that much at all. Why would I do that? I'll tell you why I did that. Because what if the guy I like a lot, turns out to like me a lot? And then it moves onto loves me a lot, and then theres talk of weddings and babies and forevers??? what the hell will I do then? Because you know IM not against all that. That would be fine. I can handle all that. But that is the start point. Thats where it all comes together. See, first there must be love, before it can all go to crap, and thus we have the alltime greatest fear of my life.....I wont be able to get up again. FAce your fears? Hell no. Not this one.

If you are smart, you will have already realised what I am about to tell you. Its not the end of the scenario that scares me the most. Its the beginning of it. YOu know why? Cos it cant go to crap and end up with me a blubbering mess on the floor unable to crawl out of my own alcohol induced vomit if I dont like him a lot to start with can it?

So there we have it, thats why I phoned some guy I dont even like a lot. Because there is another guy I like a lot, and that scares me more than anything you can imagine.

So, what am I going to do about it?

Thought for this instant......"everything in boxing is backwards: sometimes the best way to deliver a punch is to step back... But step back too far and you aint fighting at all."