Just having one of those conversations that has stuck in my mind. Thought I would share. Today I was told that what I want is very different to what I need, and I should never let what I want get in the way of what I need.
Hmmmmm
I would have thought it was the other way around. In fact, I did actually think that it was more a case of not letting what you need, get in the way of what you want. To be even more in fact, not letting what you need be the thing that stops you from getting what you want. Conversation ended very dramatically when I asked, what is I want? And was told, that wasnt what I needed, so what I wanted, shouldnt come into it.
Hmmmmmmmm again.
Now perhaps I misread the situation, though I fail to see how. Ive never done that before. Shut up Jayne. Shut up Gers. Shut up Rd. Shut up Gaanz. Shut up everyone. Ok, so Ive been known to misread situations before.........But this particular situation, Im sure I didnt misread.
The conversation happened with my ever so hot friend of 18 years ago. What I wanted....someone who made me feel like I did 18 years ago. What he said I needed? Someone who makes me feel like I do now. Whoa. Strap yourselves in people, this is gonna be one hell of a soul searching following.
The boy does have a point. You cant go home again. God this friend shits me. How come he can pick the point right down to its basics then lay it on me in such a way that it hits home? Of course I need what it is I want NOW, not what I wanted 18 years ago. Because 18 years ago, I had no idea what I wanted. I wanted those shoes. That dress. This car. I didnt want anything 18 years ago. Well, nothing of substance at least. Now, I want ....substance. I actually need substance. And Im doing a fine job of sorting my way through the material to find the substance. Lets not remind myself of the disastrous buddhist date, that wasnt very substantial at all. Whatever was I thinking? I was possibly thinking too much. Doh. Wont be doing that again.
So what did I feel 18 years ago, that makes me now say, I want to feel like that again? I felt.....happy, enough, thats a big one there, the enough part, I felt like I WAS enough, that I didnt need to be any better, any different, any thing at all really. I felt strong, empowered, that my life was on the track it should have been on for years before it. I felt capable, interesting, desireable and worthy. Worthy. WORTHY.
Then I just walked into the rest of my life where I felt none of those things at all. I felt oppressed, imprisoned, suffocated, stifled, never good enough, definitely never good enough, weak, useless, incapable, so very unattractive. SO VERY UNATTRACTIVE.
How do I feel now? I feel strong, my life has direction, confident, not at all unwanted, or decidedly unpretty. Hell Im a sexy woman. Im cleverer than I have ever been. So much wiser. So much more aware of who I am, and why I am. Hell I even like me. Screw the buddhist bastard, he was right. I truly am intoxicating. I can hold my own anywhere, anytime, with anyfreaking one. My heart and soul are captivating. Even I want to know everything about me, hence this damn blog. This is where I work through my...me moments. And my manments. But heres the truly wonderful thing, and this blog actually attests to this one. Now? I truly do feel worthy. Worthy. WORTHY. If I didnt think that, the buddhist bastard would stll be around, the one who was never going to be the one, would still be around, and Jack1 wouldnt have been turned down on his booty call the other night.
So I guess ever so hot friend of 18 years ago was right. I do need what I want now. However, I was right too. I do want what I need right now. Which is a man who says all those same things about me that I just said. Ok, I dont need the man. But if I am to have one, thats the kind of man I want. And need. Anything less just isnt going to work for me Im afraid.
Possibly ought to have warned Gaanz to sit down before reading this. Cos Ive just had another of those breakthoughs.......yay for me! and yay for Gaanz who has to put up with all my angst while I do it.
Thought for today........You cant go home again, but it sure is a nice place to send yourself a postcard from isnt it?
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No Jayne, Ive not been drinking......
ReplyDeleteI've come to realise that sometimes we are blinded by what we think we need and want because we allow the perceptions of others to cloud our judgement. A kind word, a thoughtful gesture, your favourite things ... it all seems magical. It's what you've been missing. Then, you realise that you've had all this before ... it's an MO and as suddenly as it started, it's going to stop just as suddenly.
ReplyDeleteReally you haven't been missing anything, metaphorically speaking. What has, however, been missing is your own faith and belief in your own capabilities without emotions clouding your judgement and blinding you to what is right in front of you.
Disclaimer: Jayne is high on medication.